User talk:DJH2036
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Don't go out with strangers page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:21, February 12, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:26, February 12, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story First and foremost, the title wasn't properly capitalized. The story also feels rushed and jumps into the protagonist being handcuffed without much build-up or tension. (Be descriptive when describing the house, the man's behavior, etc.) There were also some formatting issues as some lines came out looking like this: "As the other officer approached the dresser, he noticed a drawer was stuck out. Inside of it were multiple Polaroids of naked men in different stages of dismemberment. They were taken in the very place the officers were in. He also looked under the bed and found the knife that Tracy had talked about." Wording issues: you shift from past tense to present a number of times through-out. "With the knife pressed against Tracy’s chest, he says (said):" Story issues: You state that multiple people go to the man's house ("When they got to the man’s house...") but later it is just Tracy. "Tracy got up, punched Jeff as hard as he could in the face, and ran as fast as he could out of the door." (Redundancy with could, also the escape feels a bit anti-climactic.) The dialogue also feels flat in places. “Sir- why did you put handcuffs on this man?” “I don’t know.”, “Get in my room. You’re going to do what I say.” “What? Why are you doing this?” (Try describing what each is doing during this scene or maybe the threatening manner in which he is delivering those lines. As it stands, the dialogue comes off as a bit wooden. The list at the end would be better if worked into the story as opposed to being presented in list form at the end. The ending also needs re-working: "After searching the apartment, an officer remarked that it was more like searching a museum than an apartment (redundancy) in Wisconsin." How was it like searching a museum? (A museum of what specifically?) The story would benefit if it were told more like a narrative (as that is how it begins) than a police report which is how it seems to end. A lot of the actions and interactions fell short due to a lack of proper build-up and description. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:10, February 12, 2015 (UTC) RE: No problem, in the future, you can tag a story with the "Delete Now" category instead of posting in the comments and it'll be carried out much faster. (I had been monitoring comments which is why I noticed your request, but sometimes those can slip through.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:22, February 28, 2015 (UTC)